Many of us have pet hates. Perhaps even calling something a ‘pet hate’ is a particular peeve of someone. There are those ‘parent’ phrases which our own parents used and we tell ourselves we will never say to our child but inevitably do: because I say so; if you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about; because I am your mother. I am sure there are countless others.
I admit to numerous pet hates when it comes to language – interchanging words which are not interchangeable; text speak; using the incorrect word because it sounds the same but making the sentence mean something entirely different from its intended meaning; number one on that list for many a linguaphile must be writing ‘of’ instead of ‘have’.
But something which I find particularly annoying when it comes to sayings is “welcome to my world”.
What’s wrong with saying it?
There isn’t really anything wrong with saying it. When it is said, it is not usually meant in any negative way. It is most likely perceived as nothing more than merely something people say without thinking.
The problem is, though, when we really think about what it means. It is rather narcissistic in a way. It’s presumptuous and ignorant. Depending on the context, it can come across as meaning “my life is worse than your life” or “I don’t care that this thing bothers you because I have to deal with it.” Of course, there is the extension of this in that people deal with things differently, and each person’s circumstance is different even if aspects are the same.
The person who says “welcome to my world” also appears to make the assumption that the situation is new to the other person.
Person A: “I’m really tired after working 40 hours this week.”
Person B: “Welcome to my world.”
Little does Person B know whether Person A always does this, whether they have an illness or disability which makes it much harder for them to do it, or if those 40 hours are on top of other work or commitments.
To say “welcome to my world” is also rather dismissive. It gives the suggestion that the plight of another person is irrelevant or unimportant. Similarly to phrases like “deal with it” or responding to someone’s voicing of an ailment with “I know how you feel.” “Welcome to my world” is like saying “I don’t have time to listen to your woes”.
“I know how you feel”
No, you probably do not know this at all. Another phrase which dismisses a person’s feelings. It is highly unlikely that any one person will know how another person feels. Saying “I know how you feel” and continuing with some form of comfort or offer of advice is not so bad. Stating “I know how you feel” and moving on, that comes across as thoughtless.
Beside the fact that no two people and no two situations are the same, even having close similarities between situations does not mean that the feelings are the same.
This phrase can be either comforting or annoying, depending on the context, the way it is said and by whom. Perhaps the worst scenario for it is to tell someone “I know how you feel” when your situations are entirely different. For example, telling someone who has pneumonia that you know how they feel because you have a cold, or someone who has dyslexia “I know how you feel, I hate spelling too” or responding to “I can’t eat that, it could kill me.” with “I know, right, I don’t like it either”. These are really not acceptable things to do because a dislike of something is very different from an allergy or a disability. A bit of a cold where, apart from a runny nose and the odd sneeze, you can function normally, is nothing compared to other illnesses or diseases.
“I’ll pray for you”
There is nothing inherently wrong with telling a person that you will pray for them. It is usually said in a positive context, and the person wishing to pray genuinely believes it is a kind and helpful thing to do.
The problem with it comes in three ways. The first is when “I’ll pray for you” is said in a way which demeans a person. This includes praying that a homosexual person will turn heterosexual or that someone who doesn’t believe the same things will change their faith.
A person is not able to change their sexuality any more than they are able to change the day they were born. As for praying that someone ‘sees the light’ or ‘finds God’, etc. That is an individual thing. Believe in what you will, talk about it with people who wish to listen (as long as you are also willing to listen and keep your mind open enough to understand that others of another faith may be as adamant in the truth of it as you are in yours) but don’t assume that praying for a person to join your personal idea of religion is the best thing for that person or that it will make a difference to the way they feel.
The second problem with “I’ll pray for you” is that it is often said by people who would quickly condemn another for saying “I’ll cast a spell for you” or “I’ll pray to my gods/goddesses” or anything else which is, essentially, the same principle as prayer but comes from a different belief system.
If a person says “I’ll pray for you” for something good and also accepts when a reciprocal offer is made in the same good faith, regardless the religion, there should be no issue.
Finally, telling someone you will pray for them can sometimes imply that prayer alone will make the right thing happen. If you’re willing to offer practical help, moral support, and something of substance then, by all means, pray as well. If you’re going to pray instead of helping. if you’re going to assume that someone’s hard work, skill, dedication, ability, etc. is irrelevant to the situation because you’ve prayed for them then, in the nicest possible way, you can sod off.
“If I can do it, anyone can”
This, along with its counterparts “If I can do it, you can”, “if you can do it, I/anyone can”.
The latter of these is actually very rude. It is another way of diminishing their achievements. It is like saying that this person did something so it must be something anyone can do.
Telling a person that they can do something because you did, that’s very assumptive. It’s not true that everyone can do something. You may well have lost weight, ran a marathon, trekked across Thailand or become CEO of everything but that doesn’t mean everyone has the ability to do those things.
Again, as words of encouragement, this is not terrible but it can have the opposite effect on some people. If a person is struggling with something, it is not always helpful to tell them that you did it therefore they have no reason why they can’t. Everyone has different abilities and challenges. It is much better to say ‘well done for trying’ than it is to say ‘you’re not good enough because you haven’t achieved what I think you should’.
I could go on with such phrases as “you shouldn’t have ‘insert ailment’ at your age”. No, you’re right, 20s, 30s, and even 40s are not ages where one might expect to have arthritis or sciatica or to be troubled with menopause. It’s perhaps also true that many ‘young people’, however you’d like to define that (shall we say under 25?), don’t have as much life experience than ‘older people’. But these things aren’t set in stone. Telling a 36 year old that she is too young to be menopausal or telling a 20 year old that he has no idea what life is really like because he’s too young – these are so negative. If a 36 year old tells you they are going through menopause, telling her she’s too young is accusing her of lying. As for the 20 year old with ‘no life experience’ – he could have been in the army for four years, he could be a husband and a father. He could have travelled the world or suffered torture. He could quite easily have had twice the life in 20 years that another person has had in 40.
SUMMARY
While I do not mean to offend anyone who says these things, and I am not about to tell people not to say them, this is an observation. People use all sorts of sayings, phrases, and idioms all the time. Some of those phrases don’t mean much at all, some don’t mean what people think they mean, and some mean different things depending on context.
The majority of people will most likely think nothing of any of the phrases I have stated but as a linguist/etymologist/lexicologist, I have a fascination with language and the way it is used, and this is my observation.
Admittedly, it can be hard to offer words of comfort. That’s often where such phrases come in to play. Next time you want to say ‘welcome to my world’, etc., give a little more thought to what you’re saying and how you mean it. Are you being comforting or are you being dismissive?
Please leave a comment if there are other phrases that you don’t like. Perhaps a saying that doesn’t mean what people think it means.
Becky J. Harvey 